latency

do not confuse my lack of reaction with a lack of interest or care

my hatred for individual humans functions like a capacitor; it can fill quickly or slowly dependant on input but will not cause a reaction further down the circuit until it is full

you each have different sizes of hate capacitors also



so theres a chance i might be getting paid more money soon

from what ive seen my employer has either made a mistake or they are trying to screw me over

ive put it through channels and will wait to see what happens

having been working here for over a year the back dated pay should prove useful

the reason

does there have to be a reason for everything we do

it occurs to me that i dont really take responsiblity for my actions

looking back on the major decisions of my life i can usually justify them being the result of someone else and not being a choice that i made

its probably true that i was influenced by a person or persons at the time but in the end it was me who chose to act

it was me who walked the path



im tired of walking

hindsight

so there was this thing that happened on friday that i didnt really think much of the time but it led to a series of events that have caused much inner turmoil for me

i have always said that i dont have regrets

i wont regret a bad decision i will try to learn from it

but there is one decision that comes up every now and then that always ends up going the same way for me

its not even a mistake and at the time it feels so good that i cant say no

but when the end of the night approaches and i realise that i wont be taking the feeling home and that it will probably be another year before i know it again i start to lose rationality

im also too stubborn/stupid to apologise and too insecure to fight for what i want

sleep

my normal working hours are 0830 til 1630

this means i usually get up around 0730 5 days a week

which means im normally in my bed before 0000

the weekend that just passed saw me leaving work early and heading straight up to edinburgh where i proceeded to have a night out on the town until after 0300

the following day i got up before 1200 and headed back down the road having a few hours to chill out before going on a night out locally until after 0300

i was up before 1200 again on sunday which is practically a crime in my book because i had a guest staying until monday

admittedly we didnt really do much on sunday but i still managed to be up until after 0000 and didnt get a very good nights sleep due my body thinking it was another late night session

all in all i probably had the least sleep this weekend that ive had for a long time and was not functioning very well yesterday at all

c'est la vie

supernatural

so i watched paranormal activity last night

good movie

im a total skeptic about hauntings and possessions but the build up in that movie seemed almost possible even to me

the last third of the movie however nosedives into the realm of impossibility which instantly negated any impending terror that may have welled inside me

shame really

it had the potential to scare me but didnt have the strength to see it through to the end

definitely worth a watch though

turn the lights down and the volume up and prepare to ask yourself what if

perspective

im aware of the big picture but i dont like looking at it

getting lost in the little things is a form of escapism

sometimes i wonder if everything i do is escapism because i dont want to face reality

there are a number of things that i might change about where i am and where im heading

i might move to california and try to start a punk band for example

i mean why not

as long as i continue to pay my existing debts i am free to do anything right

and money can be paid from anywhere in the world

so whats stopping me

stereotyped

so it's a bit chilly outside

enough to freeze most windows

the scraping of ice from a car would not be considered ridiculous in these conditions

so after scraping my car this morning i headed off to work

08:27 on my car clock as i was approaching my place of employment when my pager went off

i start work at 08:30

upon entering the building i sought out the source of my page and was told that a person i had never met or heard of had called up asking for me by name

as i was standing there the phone rang and this person called again

apparently it was one of the kitchen staff looking to ask me a question about their home computer before they came into work

as an it support person for a number of years i know that people often look for help and advice at work when they have trouble at home

but being paged outside of office hours to take a phone call from someone to whom i owe or seek no favours is a bit much

i mean there are businesses even in this region that offer it help and support

if its really such a desperate emergency then grab the yellow pages

all things considered its not the worst thing that could have happened this morning but man did it aggrovate me

and now i have to continue with my normal working day

wish me luck