old habits

ive been thinking about some of my past relationships

both in terms of partners and friends that i have had

i find it easy to meet people but difficult to form a lasting bond

the few times ive been comfortable enough with someone to open up about my inner demons they are usually put off by what i reveal

im still looking for that someone who i can trust and will still stand by me no matter what

in the meantime i shall continue to operate the way i have done

losing friends and alienating people



im sure theres a movie about that

doubt

im a procrastinator

i will put off making a decision for as long as i can but some of the big choices are inevitable

leaving france, going to uni, buying a car

annoyingly each time ive made a big decision something seems to change that makes me wonder if ive made the right one

its happening now

i recently made up my mind about something that im going to do but over the past few weeks things have been changing in my current lifestyle that i can only describe as improvements

enough to make me change my mind? probably not

enough to make me doubt though

confident

but not cocky

not neccessarily muscular or super fit

good sense of humour

willingness to dance?

money?

no mention of looks

no mention of style sense

when you ask a man what he looks for in a woman the answers will often be physical because the question is interpreted as what attracts you to women upon first seeing them

the same question is interpreted by a women as what traits would make a man a suitable long term partner

i know what i find physically attractive

i have a rough idea of what women find physically unattractive and i try to avoid being those things

i used to be told that i looked older than i was

i had an air of maturity and experience beyond my years

ive reached a point where people now say i look exactly as i should for my age

which means i havent matured or gained experience since those previous comments

to echo a phrase coined by a friend i feel that my soul is frozen

but in the time and space way not the icy cold way that he suggests

tapped

whilst drilling for new sources of oil pioneering engineers discovered a well of knowledge

this fountain of enlightenment has inspired some ordinary men to achieve great things

splitting the atom

harnessing the power of the sun

space flight

but in all of their wisdom there is one thing that no one can ever explain to me


at least not in a way that makes any sense

normality

it occurred to me recently that in every job i have ever had i reach a point where there is not enough to keep me motivated and active

a new job means a learning experience and a heavy workload

part of my character is to find more efficient ways of working and to suggest ways to improve the company overall

over time i develop a way of working that minimises my workload to a point where i have some spare moments to analyse and offer feedback

i dont know where this ability to normalise everything comes from but it often leads to me being idle at my workplace which in turn leads to me looking for other employment

i suppose i should look for a job where truly no two days are ever alike and there is no possiblity of repetition and stagnation

now if you'll excuse me i have to go fix a broken printer by turning it on

steak pie

i was in japan with an ex-girlfriend who i had hooked back up with

we were at a japanese 'funfair' watching some locals play the 'knock down the cans to win' game except it wasnt cans that were stacked up it was fruit

as the attendants back was turned the girl i was with picked up one ball and threw it at a single orange that was sitting on the shelf

with a direct hit the orange fell off the shelf and the attendant turned and shouted 'winner!' handing her a plush bunny

he then indicated to me that it would cost 45 for that so i reached into my back pocket and pulled out a hefty wad of cash the outer note of which was a 50

as i peeled it off to pay, the girl said she didnt want the bunny to be alone so she wanted another shot to win another

so i wrapped the wad back together and put it in the side pocket of my hoodie

we ended up back at the hotel room and.. fade-to-black

the next day i was back home and getting ready to meet up with some friends to watch the rugby

i was a little worried because i was heading into town where i hadnt been before and i knew it was going to be busy

sure enough there were loud english people everywhere a various groups of scots in kilts and it was very noisy

i made my way between sandstone buildings and over cobbled streets towards the clock tower that we were supposed to be meeting under

as i approached my phone started to ring and i reached into my pocket to answer it

the phone i pulled out was not my iphone 3gs but what appeared to be a cheap replica with a slide function and standard keypad

the ringtone was in japanese but the caller id was of the guy i was meeting

i quickly reached the conclusion that my phone had been stolen whilst i was in japan and the details cloned

as i was struggling to operate the phone i saw the girlfriend of who i was meeting standing in a doorway posing for a picture

then i spotted the guy just up the street

he was already quite drunk but recognised me and made a grand gesture of welcome before asking me what was wrong

i pulled the phone out and held it up towards him stating 'this is not an iphone'

as he struggled to focus on it i explained my theory that my phone must have been stolen in japan the day before

i managed to open the phone and go into the menu where i saw a bill for 2.99 on the app store

clicking through i realised that my account details would have been saved on my stolen phone and the thief could buy anything from the app store leaving me with the bill

at this point i wondered if the phone i was holding, being a clone, was actually linked to the real phone

so i opened the camera feature of the phone and sure enough rather than showing me what the phone i held was looking at i saw what my real phone was looking at. i could even control which direction it was facing like a remote camera of some kind

i saw a group of vietnamese kids on a bridge dancing around the phone

from the images it looked like some kind of weird ritual but i assumed they were playing music through it

the guys i had met up with suggested we go for a drink to calm me down and we went into a pub called ozymandias which was full of scotsmen watching the rugby

one the guys in our group tried to get drinks from the hatch the led into the kitchen where the chef puts out orders for waitresses



that was a dream i had last night

normally i dont dream at all or at the very least i dont remember

but i can remember everything about that dream in vivid colour and detail from the white plush bunny to the tartare sauce on the food waiting to be served

so what the hell was in that steak pie last night!?

finance

when is the united federation of planets going to roll around so we can get rid of money and start exploring space

im probably one of a few people that i know that operates effectively within the economy

when i have money i spend it and i only spend money that i have

dont get me wrong i know how to save

i can quite easily work hard play less and stash all my money away in a bank

but its bad for the economy you see

also im a materialist not a capitalist