home

the concept of home is a recurring point of ponderance for me

i moved house a few times in my primary school years and i feel that it gave me a perspective that many people lack about how the world exists in a series of communities

we eventually settled in the town where i went through all of high school and eventually left to go to university

i never liked this town

my parents and much of family have settled here and seem to be happy enough but i always knew i had to get away

and i did

twice

but im still here

if home is where we go when we have nothing else then this is my home

but if home is a place where you feel you belong then it is not

getting serviced

if you don't cut your grass it will grow

if you dont wash your car it will get dirty

if you dont x your y it will z

so why are people surprised when i tell them they need to tidy their computers

they say things like i only use it for the internet or but ive got antivirus software and think that the computer will run happily for the rest of time because of that

shower drains get clogged with hairs and stuff

you can still use the shower but it wont drain efficiently and eventually it will not drain at all

you can always use your computer if you can live with it getting slower and slower until it dies but a little bit of maintenance will take you a long way

flush out your pipes

im not saying you can get that new car smell back but you dont have to be bathing in mud either

holiday

so i'm back at work today after some time off

i keep getting asked if i enjoyed my holiday which started me thinking

is it a holiday if you don't go anywhere

surely just being away from work is simply annual leave whilst going on a trip would be considered a vacation

so what is a holiday

as it happens i did enjoy my time off

i achieved very little in terms of real life goals and since the changing of the clocks i feel refreshed and relaxed

of course some people say if i was any more relaxed i might be mistaken for a corpse

nameless

how can i be optimistic when people i have worked with for almost a year still call me by the name of my predecessor

when an email thread is suddenly addressed to someone other me despite my name being in the email address and on all of my replies

should i be filled with hope and happiness for the human race when those i have shared jokes with and helped through their problems are still calling me dude because they don't know my name

do i cease to exist when people stop thinking about me

how many of those people are left

great depression

depression is fantastic

that's what i used to think

mental illness is all in your head therefore it is fantasy and to overcome it all that is needed is a change of thought

simple right?

society builds bridges and hospitals

society protects us from criminals and supports us when we are out of work

it sets rules and boundaries designed to improve the way of life for the majority and this is absolutely fine

a by-product of this process is that there will always be people places and things which exist outside of what society considers to be acceptable and this is also fine

it's the grey area that causes the problems

it is possible to be a perfectly functional member of society but to have tastes and opinions which stray outside the comfortable areas

this is social stigmatism

society can reject that which it perceives to be unacceptable and it can even forgive like a benevolant creator when one its flock breaks the rules

but those who seek to break the rules or bend them enough to live through society without being part of it will always be the spark in the powder keg

calm like a bomb indeed

great expectations

i'm trying to get it back

whatever it was i had that i didn't realise was lost until i noticed the different words people used to describe me

they say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but if used correctly it can still generate genuine laughter and mirth

people used to laugh at the things i said i did

as i've grown older i haven't become less sarcastic

in fact i'd say i've gotten more so

the issue as far as i can determine is that my sarcasm which was laced with cynicism has become cynicism laced with venom and sprinkled with a hint of sarcasm

robin williams starred in a film called jumanji which amongst other themes showed how all men become like their father unless they are strong enough to move past and become their own person

i recently noted the cynical nature of my own father and his tendancy towards negativity in the face of mild adversity

i have become a creature of habit and a reflection of my dad in many ways

everything i say or do is a replica or parody of something that i have said or done before

there are probably people in tesco who could tell you my entire shopping list and at what time on what days they would expect to see me

i used to think that on the wheel of life you could either be down in the mud or up the air and that even if you were stuck in a rut you still had the occasional time when things were looking up

whilst that may still hold true it is also true to say that if you let go of the wheel you will get left behind and in the rut or out of it all you will have is dirt